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What Do You Do When Your Program Won't Work?
Welcome to the second QB humor list. Hope that you'll get a kick out of this one. You are welcome to submit your own entries. Use the form found at the bottom of the page. Or, you can go read the first QB humor list, You Know You've Had Too Much QB When....

By coolstar
[email protected]

Start a devotion to Saint Michael (a.k.a San Miguel, hehehe) and pray that the "spirits" help you think clearly. (Note: In my country San Miguel is a popular brand of beer).

Sleep with your code under your pillow. When you wake up, type in whatever you dream about and hope it works!

Try running it again—it might work in the replay.

Ask your girlfriend to rewrite your code. If she doesn't know QB, then much better. If she messes up you work, then ask for something in return. End if.

Decide that your compiler is defective, and does not support your code. Consequently you write to Microsoft (to the guy who's both Micro and Soft) asking that they write a new version that fully supports your new standard.

Do it yourself. Patch up the standard libraries and object files with assembly code to make them compatible to your code. (But I doubt if you can do this, since you can't even get QuickBasic to work).

Decide that you want to quit QuickBasic altogether and convert to writing batch files, since it is much simpler anyway.

     bang your head...

By Qweerdy
[email protected]

On a board, post a virus under someone else's name. Then run it. Blame the person whose name you posted under for creating a virus that messed up your source and ask the entire QB community to flame him until he fixes your program.

By Mountian Ogre
[email protected]

Take several deep breaths, step away from the computer, go outside, and begin smashing random objects.

By XMark
[email protected]

Simply avoid the problem. (For example, if selecting "start game" from the main menu causes it to crash, just don't select "start game".)

Wait until nobody's looking and steal someone else's code!

Copy and paste all the lines of code in your program in reverse order and see if that works.

Sell your soul to Bill Gates in return for ultimate knowledge of all of the secrets of QB.

Use the command "DQBfixProgram".

Read this list to see if the answer's there.

By Firedog745
[email protected]

Yell at the computer, unplug the CPU, and set it in your backyard, in front of a tree. Then get a 12-gauge and use it for target practice.

[email protected]

Drop your computer out of the top-floor window of a 30-storey building.

Blame it on Micro$oft and sue Bill Gates.

Come to think of it, blame everything on Micro$oft.

Get a virus and let it destroy everything on your computer.

Having done all those, realize that they were really stupid ideas and you never should have listened to me. =)

By MiRaGe
[email protected]

Call 911.

Delete all the code that have errors.

Press Ctrl-Alt-Del and say, "oops..."

Go search the web for HOWTO_PROGRAM_QB

Ask Linux Trovalds if he can fix it. (Who is he?)

Go get some sleep and start working tomorrow morning! (A total yes!)

By MagnaUnum
[email protected]

Make an mIRC script to auto-paste the source into #quickbasic every five minutes until logiclrd answers you or chrono- bans you.

Call DELL. The computer is wrong.

Switch to FORTRAN. It's less cryptic.

Post at every forum under an assumed name (munUangaM) so people think that you don't know how to do that yet.

By Guardian Bob
[email protected]

Call Mulder and Scully.

Type random words and hit backspace several times, hoping that will fix it.

Flood any QBASIC Forum with 10,000 posts entitled, "MY PROGRAM WON'T WORK!"

Grab a large object that's nearby and smash the monitor in.

See how many hits the keyboard can take from a 2 by 4.

Turn the monitor on and off, on and off, on and off, on and off...(you get the drill.)

Start another program. So you only have 29 unfinished programs.

Print out the code, then mail it to Bill Gates.

Spill some Pepsi on your keyboard, and hope it puts some sense into it.

Delete the whole program. It wasn't that good anyway. =)

By RabidMoth
[email protected]

Start deleting things until something happens.

Figure out that your COS and SIN tables are inverted and delete them.

Ask everyone on a WWWBoard why L = 2 + 4 - 2 is equal to 4.

Scream a lot, then threaten your computer.

Decide that your version of QB is corrupt and reinstall it.

Decide that you must need the lastest library version.

Decide that Winblows is corrupt and reinstall it—which will cause your computer to fatally crash.

Start using your blue walls (in Too Much QB...) as a note pad.

Shriek and give up, and then become a hermit.

By hydroXide
[email protected]

Delete the BAS file and all the other files involved, then trash all possible information concerning the program, and then go drink loads of booze.

Go rant on Tek's board on how newbies royally suck (yourself being one and all...).

Call your therapeut.

Shut down your computer, run wildly for a moment, then bang into the nearest (and hardest) wall as hard as you can.

Try to solve whatever is wrong. (What?!)

[email protected]

Accuse your artist of playing around with your computer again and threaten to take the damages out of his paycheck.

Pray to St. Milo to provide you with a miracle.

Cry like a baby.

Complain endlessly about how life is so unfair.

Submit your program to Tek and when he tells you that it wouldn't work, blame him for messing up the only copy of your program left (since your hard drive was wiped out and all...).

Call the Ghostbusters! (heh...)
Of course, contributions are welcome! Please submit your own What Do You Do When Your Program Won't Work? entries to me. Use the form below.

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