Wow! You've found my first QB Humor page! Anyway, you'll know from this page if you've had too much QB on your time. Submissions are very much welcome: I receive your entries through e-mail and I post them on the next update of this site. You are welcome to use the form at the bottom of the page. If you want, you can go read the second QB humor page, What Do You Do When Your Program Won't Work?
...when you start coding a QBASIC interpreter in QBASIC.
...when your favorite graphics editor is Pixel Plus 256.
...when you start dreaming about becoming a famous QB coder.
...when you try to code a GIF loader that ends up having the exact same code as the first ever GIF loader.
...when you take the time to code a graphics loader.
...when you decide to hold down your urge to fulfill nature's call so you can type up a submission for a QB humor page. (Ah!!! I need a towel, NOW!)
...when you start thinking jokes about QB are funny.
...when you feel like a piano with a little bird inside and it dances like MagnaUnum.
...when your whores are big fat greasy mounds of Harvey's Fries.
...when you actually think Majiko is the king of QB.
...when you see the little starving children in Africa and laugh like Majiko at them and then wave a piece of fried chicken at the TV.
...when a bird fails to farm a piece of cake.
...when MajiKODE releases it's first game... The Dark Half!
...when you call CNN everyday to try to get them to do a report on Microsoft and how they don't make newer versions of QBasic.
...when the last time you bought a sound card, you asked the technician if it was BWSB compatible.
...when you've overclocked part of your computer to get better performance in a QB game.
...when you've found QB on a public computer...and coded on it many times.
...when you've taught a class on QBasic programming.
...when you use ALT keyboard shortcuts...in Windows.
...when you've taken a college-level math course for the sole purpose of speeding up your QBasic code.
...when you baked a birthday cake in 1995...because it was QBasic's 10th year.
...when you've scored 1,000,000 points in a game of Wetspot 2.
...when you run speed tests on Dash, GSlib, and DQB. Every time a new version comes out.
...when you've written to a PC magazine asking for more QBasic coverage.
...when you've gone nostalgic about the old days coding on a 386. To non-coders.
...when to you, a major sporting event means a new version of France '98 or Groov Buggies 2 from Pasco.
...when you've written a song about QBasic. To the tune of the Titanic theme.
...when you spend hours every day going to all the QB sites, only to find that none of them have updated.
...when you program for hours only to realize that you're sitting at the kitchen table.
...when you cry because a QB site or project is announced to be permanently on hold.
...when you think it'd be a good idea to make a clone of an already popular game, because hey, it was a good game the first time, so what if it's already made?
...when having friends is such a chore.
...when it's more important that you resolve not-enough-memory errors than it is to, say, eat, or go to the bathroom. So you invent a program that let's you go to the bathroom right in your chair.
By Bumbling Fool
...when you start making major decisions by using IF...THEN statements in your mind.
...when you put DEFINT A-Z at the top of every math paper.
...when you write QB programs to simplify everyday tasks, thus making the task more complicated.
...when, for some reason or another, you decide that your mission in life is to make the fastest Mandelbrot fractal generator, because Mandelbrot fractals really matter in the long run. Really.
...when you look over your English notes for the past week, and find nothing but scrawled ideas for a better RPG.
...when Pasco saying "narf" is suddenly a lot funnier for some reason.
...when newbies piss you off, because you were never a newbieyou jumped from never touching a computer to a real-time 3D engine with 4,500 moving polygons.
...when what majiko says suddenly start to make sense.
...when you realize it's 4 a.m. and you're submitting jokes to a "QB Humor" page.
...when you start bashing Microsoft even though they wrote the language you are proficient in.
...when you realize that you missed homeroom and first period since you were so caught up in your battle engine that you forgot to go to school.
...when you begin assigning variables and types to objects at the workplace. (Dishwasher.valve = "shut")
...when you have downloaded every QBasic site to your hard disk.
...when you think that the previous item is normal.
...when you have a picture of Bill Gates that you kiss everyday.
...when you've read this entire page and you can say "Yes" to everything on here and then some!
...when you submit a joke to this website!
By Sentient shade of INP &3DA, 8 (-:
...when you're so used to your 486 crashing from mixing ASM with QB 4.5 that you actually spend 5 minutes out of QB to make a coldboot program from C just so that you wouldn't have to hit the power button when a major problem is evident (i.e., the DOS memory arena is corrupted).
...when you've broken 5 friggin' screens cause you smash them in when your progs don't work! (I'm not B.E.D.)
By Jorden Chamid
...when you think Shakespeare said something like "QB or not QB."
...when you use other programming languages like Delphi and Visual BASIC to create utilities that are useful for QB.
...when you see a program's source and you know exactly what it will look like when running.
...when you can name all QB's functions and subs without taking a new breath.
...when your school-rates are getting down.
...when you have more QB links in your bookmarks than Q-Finder has links in the database.
By Lord Jasonius!
...when even DJRed seems like an intelligent human being (ahahahahaaaaaaaa!!!).
...when Scrye stops sending ICQ messages that read "PIE!" every five minutes because you never respond (you've turned the sound off so you can become one with the IDE, you know).
...when a recursive function you've written declared as: DECLARE FUNCTION FindParsedInterruptVectorAverage (InterruptAverage AS INTEGER, TheVectorToParse AS VectorTypeThatActuallyIsUsed, NestDepth AS LONG) AS VectorTypeWithoutTheYAxisValuesSetAsPositive becomes "child's play"
...when you can make the above function faster in QB than the optimised version by those GNU project guys.
...when life becomes just a grid-based game that is used as a demonstration of cellular automata using the simple application of turn-based rules.
...when Enigma stops sending ICQ messages that read "PANTS!" every five minutes because you always respond with the contents of your clipboard (which always happens to be source code).
...when you finally understand Sock Puppet.
...when you discover that pie doesn't come cheap.
...when you try to program virtua-pie in QB, and in the process, consume mass amounts of pie, and in the end, realize that you're full from real pie. (This happened to me more than once.)
...when yer really good with programming.
...when you don't suck.
...when you like pie.
....pie! [S: What is it with all these pies?]
...when you haven't slept for three days.
...when you take caffeine straight.
...when you start using two keyboards and several mice.
...when you cry when your computer breaks down.
...when you cry when you have to turn your computer off.
...when you hate having to exit QBasic to get to a paint program.
...when you never use comments.
...when you never update your homepage because it might mean stopping programming for several minutes.
...when you've memorized all the menu command shortcut keys.
...when you forget how to walk, talk, and eat.
...when you sign every QBasic petition on the Net and then create several for good measure.
...when you paint your computer room blue and paint white prompts everywhere.
...when you beg people not to close down their sites.
...when you can write a perfect game without bugs, and without looking at the screen once.
...when the only QBasic site you haven't been to is Lord Kurt Asbestos's Homepage. [S: Nice one! =)]
...when you've memorized every RGB value in the standard QBasic palette.
...when you start programming the unfinished Caelius in TI-BASIC.
...when you can recreate every song from 1998 using the PLAY command.
...when you start using RPGDK2, ApeDraw, and n!Nedia to make your final in Art class.
...when you can spot Tek's ICQ number in the "Search by nickname" ICQ searcher.
How often do you take breaks when you're programming?
-Every 2 hours?
-Every 4 hours?
-Every 8 hours?
By Zack Friedrich
...when your kids eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
...when you have to YELL at your family to stop bothering you while you're working, and THEN remember it's your birthday.
...when you create a flawless 3D engine in one hour. Without hitting backspace once.
...when you can't stop squinting everywhere you go.
...when you know all the QB sites on the net, remember their addresses, and visit each one daily.
...when you start using QB syntax when you speak.
...when your classmates start using you as a calculator in math class.
...when you have QuickBASIC version 9.2b.
...when you start understanding what Scrye talks about.
...when you can read without falling asleep Tsu's news of the day.
...when you optimize your program for two weeks, and gain 0.1% speed-up. In an ASCII-game.
...when you remember when Tsu first started doing TheGame.
...when you turn off your screen and still see the QBasic IDE.
...when blue becomes your favorite color.
...when you in desperation start to make your own BASIC compiler.
...when the number of QB programs you've downloaded to your computer is triple that of NeoZones' QCity.
...when 90% of your bookmarks link to QB sitesand the remaining 10% point to search engines (so you can search for more QB sites!)
...when you have reached level 70 five times in DarkAges.
...when you have exhausted the Midi's on the Net while creating WetSpot 2 worlds.
...when you are organizing a rally in front of Microsoft Headquarters so that they'll continue releasing newer versions of QuickBASIC.
...when the name of your pet canary is Peekpoke.
...when you have made Steve Martin almost as rich as Bill Gates.
...when you have already emptied three bottles of Visine while chatting at #quickbasic.
...when you have repaired your PC countless times trying to integrate DirectQB, Dash, Blast!, BSWB, QMidi, and DMAPlay together in your game.
...when you have everyone who has ICQ on your contact listand pestering those who haven't to get one.
...when you have posted at least 10 articles in every QB discussion board.
...when your siblings and friends don't want to beta-test your games anymore.
...when the last girl you've ever met was either Lianne or Chikara.
...when you've created a thousand tiles using PixelPlus, ApeDraw, and n!Mediaand creating some more.
...when the number of minutes you've spent online is greater than the number of words of all of Tsu's rambles combined.
...when you start using asterisks (*) and carets (^) in your math class.
...when you valiantly go into C++ discussion boards and post about how much better QB is.
...when you've registered your site to all the QB Webrings (and all other programming Webrings, for that matter).
...when you can recite by heart the syntax of every QBasic command.
...when every time people log on into #quickbasic, they always see you there.
...when most of the articles in the QBVoice, QB: The Magazine, and QB Gazette are written by you.
...when your game never gets finished since you keep on upgrading it to use the latest libraries.
...when you've pestered Tsugumo two dozen times to finish TheGame.
...when you sue Mallard for registering www.qbasic.com earlier than youand then register www.quickbasic.com for good measure.
...when the change from version 1.45 and version 1.46 of your game is PRINT "Okay."; instead of PRINT "Okay."
...when you want to name your first-born son Eldim and your first-born daughter Sona.
...when you start adding dollar signs ($) to your name.
...when you are already submitting entries to SonicBlue and Danny Gump for Qlympics 2000.
...when people start asking you for a copy of an unknown program instead of searching for it.
...when you know the ASCII code of every character and the scancode of every key.
Contributions are very much welcome. Please submit your own You Know You've Had Too Much QB When... entries to me. You may use the form below.